Posted on July 28th, 2010 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Punland
I’ve been asked to put together a team of a tree, an animal and a letter.
I choose yew, ewe and … u.
Posted on July 28th, 2010 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I’ve been asked to put together a team of a tree, an animal and a letter.
I choose yew, ewe and … u.
Posted on July 20th, 2010 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I won the John Brabourne Award!!!
I can’t believe it. It’s a massive honour to be associated with something that was set up in the memory of one of the greatest British producers (five Oscars!) and to have my script chosen by the panel a who’s who of industry greats.
I’m not even sure ‘woohoo’ does it justice. I’ll come back when I’ve calmed down.
Posted on July 20th, 2010 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Shooting started for the short film ‘Gnome’ last weekend, starring… me! And a gnome.
Posted on July 20th, 2010 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
If you get a chance to see it, you won’t be disappointed. Hopefully it’ll get a full cinema release.
Posted on June 26th, 2010 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Thought up some jokes over brek…
Why did the man swear at his food every morning? He was a cereal offender.
What do you do when a Weetabix steps out in front of your car? Break fast.
What sport does cereal perform best at in the Olympics? Bowls.
How do you know if your muesli’s female? It’s got no nuts…
Sx
Posted on June 24th, 2010 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
As told to me by the infamous Clare @ work.
I hate those Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves.
Posted on June 22nd, 2010 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I’ll be going to talk comedy writing in drama and learn from some the masters in the TV scriptwriting game (Tony Marchant, Jack Thorne, Alice Nutter, Toby Whithouse, and Stephen Butchard will all be there!). Should be fun!
Posted on June 22nd, 2010 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I’m having a bad hair day. It’s already mugged an old lady.
The police are combing the streets. I’ve already had a brush with the law. It’s time to tie up all the split ends and cut and run.
Posted on May 21st, 2010 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Am doing up a house here in Cardiff and thought up some plumber jokes. Enjoy. Electrician jokes tomorrow.
- Why did the plumber commit suicide? His career went down the toilet.
- What did the plumber take on holiday? Everything but the kitchen sink. Which was blocked.
- What else did the plumber take on holiday? A leak. Twice a day.
Sx
Posted on May 17th, 2010 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Should be called Liber-Tory, not Con-Dem. Much better.
Posted on May 6th, 2010 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Cam, Clegg and UKIPs with mushy BNPs.
Posted on December 7th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Tomorrow night (Tues 8th) I will be supporting the brilliant Dan Antopolski.
See you guys and gals there!
Posted on December 7th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Why was Santa too sick to go up a chimney? He caught the flue.
Posted on December 4th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
If hands took over the world, would we be living under a rule of thumb?
Posted on December 4th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Think for yourself – don’t listen to other people. My father told me that.
Posted on December 2nd, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
My friend died in a rock climbing accident. He wasn’t shown the ropes.
Posted on December 1st, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
When I was a tramp I had low self esteem. I sold the little issue.
Posted on November 30th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Why did the window pane hate Hollywood? It’s where it got its first big break.
Posted on November 27th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Why are building plans rarely successful? They all have at least one major flaw.
Posted on November 25th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I’m not sure I like drinking Innocent OJ, I’d rather drink the juice of oranges that deserved it.
Posted on November 24th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I went to the Doctors because the voices told me to.
He said, “You’re hearing things. Punch me in the face.” So I did.
It turns out he didn’t actually say that. Or that I should pull his trousers down and sleep with him while he was unconscious.
Posted on November 24th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I drew a picture of a celebrity using my phlegm. It was the spitting image.
Posted on November 24th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
My dog says he’s an astronaut in his sleep. My girlfriend tries to stop him, but I say let sleeping dogs lie.
Posted on November 22nd, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
This joke was told to me by a girl at work on Friday (all credit goes to her):
“Why did the scarecrow have trouble masturbating? He was clutching at straws.”
Posted on November 20th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I like playing football on a see-saw. But it’s not a level playing field.
Posted on November 19th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
My Christmas present last year was a colonic irrigation. It wasn’t number one on my list, but it was number two.
Posted on November 18th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
A DJ thinks about decks… a chiropractor thinks about necks… a Slovakian thinks about Czechs… a weightlifter thinks about pecs… an optometrist thinks about specs… a hiker thinks about treks… a diver thinks about shipwrecks… a cyclist thinks about spandex… a person in the ‘there’s no toilet roll left in the dispenser, but I might have something in my bag’ situation thinks about Kleenex… a Russian thinks about Kopeks… a Southern American thinks about Tex-Mex… an entomologist thinks about insects… and I think of you.
Posted on November 18th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I’m a Christmasaholic – so I decided to go cold turkey. With cranberry sauce.
Posted on November 17th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
If you want proof of natural selection, watch an absentminded squirrel burying his nuts for the winter.
Posted on November 17th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Page 1:
Page 2:
Posted on November 16th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
My girlfriend thinks I’ve got a noisy washing machine. She keeps telling me to put a sock in it.
Posted on November 16th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
A short film written for the together.com climate change competition.
Posted on November 14th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Posted on November 14th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Tuesday 17th Nov. Great venue.
Posted on November 14th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
While searching for car insurance, I thought it weird that
You find a website with animal pictures to peer at.
A friend said: “Each one you have to rate,
while you furiously masterbate,
is this your first time on Compare the Meerkat?”
Posted on November 13th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Blood is thicker than water. But neither did well at school.
Posted on November 12th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Do fishermen make a net profit? Can they change career or are they hooked?
Posted on November 11th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I got an f-mail today. It’s like an e-mail, but it wasn’t the letter I was expecting.
Posted on November 10th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
This Thursday at the Jongleurs in Reading. See you there!
Posted on November 10th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. But they might have a swimming pool.
Posted on November 9th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Why did the gardner regret swapping his vegetables with the woman next door? He left with his onions and came back with her peas.
Posted on November 6th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Sock, sock.
New pair?
Christmas present from Nan.
Christmas present from Nan who?
Christmas present from Nan who doesn’t like you very much!
Posted on November 5th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I put some Christmas spices into a mug of tea and left it to do the washing up. When I came back, all the dishes were still dirty. I phoned up my girlfriend and said, “You’re right, men aren’t any good at mulled-tea tasking”.
Posted on November 4th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
My cat has no nose.
How does he smell?
It’s a she.
Posted on November 3rd, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Just heard I’ve got a place in the Laughing Horse New Act of the Year 2010.
Gulp.
11th Feb – at least I’ve got plenty of time to prepare!
Posted on November 3rd, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
This blog was a promotional tool. I’m not ashamed of this, it was always meant to be a virtual calling card – “you can’t have a website without a blog!” they shouted in my face while pounding my buttocks with a scotch egg, and they were right. They were right about everything; the scotch egg, the pounding and the blog. So here it was, created with the odd funny link and the occasional updates to my gigs. Promotional, unoriginal and purely functional.
But that’s now changing. On Monday, I discovered via Google Analytics I had 20 viewers. 20! This has turned from a fun promotional tool to a public site ladened with responsibility.
Well, you’ll be glad to hear I intend to step up and fulfil my duty of entertaining my audience of 20, by writing one original joke a day on the blog. Weekdays only (to keep weekends free). The gig updates will remain. In case you want to come.
To kick it all off, here’s today’s joke:
“My Great Grandfather had one tune, my Grandfather had two tunes, my father had three tunes, and when I was born I was heir to the family four tune.”
I’m off to lick a pensioner. Come back tomorrow for another.
Posted on October 30th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
FHM regional finals are now in Reading – come and laugh at me doing stupid things of stage.
12th November. It’ll be good to see you.
Posted on October 21st, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I love lists. Especially this one. Gerard Bastard…superb.
Posted on October 18th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Drones rocked as always – and even better I went down well – luckily as they have a very high standard there. Check out the video @ the ‘videos’ part of the website!
Next gig – this Thursday at Jongleurs in Bristol.
Posted on October 16th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
On stage @ Jongleurs in Bristol. It’s going to be a great night with two awesome headliners and me supporting – be there.
Posted on October 16th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Off to gig @ the Drones Comedy club, Cardiff – awesome!
Posted on October 14th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Drones, Chapter, Cardiff – Friday 16th
Dog in Snood, Koko Gorilaz, Cardiff (MC-ing) – Monday 19th
Swansea Fringe, The Garage, Swansea – Wednesday 20th
See you there!
Posted on September 23rd, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Not long now before the store opens its online doors and the tees are available to purchase. Here’s an early look @ a few of them:
‘citing…
Posted on September 23rd, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
Yes – it’s true, our new ‘Open Mic’ comedy night here in Cardiff will be going live on the 19th of October in the truly awesome venue that is Koko Gorillaz. Seriously, a fantastic venue, I couldn’t believe our luck. A raised stage at the end that is the perfect size for a standup looks out over rows and rows of tables waiting to be filled with people wanting to laugh at the funny man or woman with the microphone. And that funny man or woman could be You. Just drop me a line using the contact details in the ‘About Me’ section of this website if you would like a 5 – 10 minute slot.
Posted on September 3rd, 2009 in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Took part in the Swansea Fringe competition on Tuesday – awesome venue @ ‘The Garage’, packed with people and some great standup.
P.s. got through to the semis! Woohoo!
Posted on August 19th, 2009 in Uncategorized | No Comments »
I did my first ever live gig last week @ Beat the Dog open mic nite in Swansea. Terrifying.
